The Lost

Published on December 7, 2004 By kazeem In Life Journals

I'm a senior high school student. From the 7th grade I was seriously addicted to computer games. I always did decent in school. It wasn't until 10th grade that my parents saw a 'problem' within me. Too much games. Just like any concerned parent would, they took the computer away from me.

I do believe that solves the problem in some situations. But not all.
From the time I first entered high school, I had a fire that burned within my heart. I had hope, I was optimistic, even hard working. I would sometimes try to control myself and not be so nerdy. But I simply couldn't. I just had to play AD&D. I just had to read programming books. I just had to talk about hash tables in chat rooms. There was no way I was going to avoid that.

Everyone deals with their problem differently. I see some kids in school that are really lucky. It's high school, and every boy thinks about girls. People may say one thing on the Internet, but the truth is after a while the lack of attention gets to you. After a while you start thinking why am I doing this? You look around you and see that kids your age are having fun. Not reckless fun, but fun still. They have their own little 'group'. They goto parties, date girls, or just go out with friends and have a good time for whatever reason. I don't have that luxury. It's not that I'm not a confident person. I used to be. But after a while i REFUSED to change myself to be popular. In my opinion, thats not how the world should work. But maybe thats a bit too hopeful of me.

That fire slowly died. I didn't even play games on the computer. I just sat there staring at things, making the minutes go by. I am doing the same right now. I have an English essay and seminar due tomorrow, along with a physics lab. I have not started any of those 3 said assignments. I just don't care.

I am in a middle eastern family living in north America. My parents are quite concerned. I can't talk to them what-so-ever. They are so old fashioned and closed minded that the thought of talking to my dad about girls and depression makes me want to curl up and die. He wouldn't understand. No correction, he would, but he would always give me advise that I can't use.

Forever have I been a letter grade to those around me. It gets very frustrating after a while. I could sit here and code for 14 hours, and my dad would come here and tell me to stop playing games. Yet all those around me are rewarded and applauded for the simplest of tasks.

But of course, no one cares about the boy who programs hours per day.

I used to do that. I have stopped gaming for fun. I have stopped programming for fun. Now the only thing I can do without being totally frustrated is to write. I feel some how robbed. My parents have never once confronted me and asked me if I am depressed. The only thing they ever cared about was a) my interest in becoming a Muslim

my school grades.

I am not the only boy in my school that is like. I see plenty of very bright kids, borderline genius by my standards (I don't really consider myself all that bright though), who just 'waste' their time getting C's in school.

There will always be that wondering pack of people, looking to have some sort of fun or emotional experience in their childhood, before the adult world hits them.

I would like it to be different.

Comments

Danny Bassette

on Dec 07, 2004

This sounds alot like my experiences in school, just swap christian for muslim...

philomedy

on Dec 07, 2004

I feel ya, man. Fight through it, though, college is a wonderful place as far as a social haven goes.

kazeem

on Dec 07, 2004

college is going to be the same really. I wont be living on campus. still have to answer to the parents and live under their watchful eye.

philomedy

on Dec 07, 2004

I live off campus as well. I suppose it depends on how strict a household is, but I still find the campus a great oasis when I need to free myself of familial pressures.

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